Happiness Is Not A Choice

I have always hated the saying "Happiness is a choice" because it's not. When you have mental health struggles, you cannot simply say to yourself, "I will be happy from now on."

That does not work. In fact, it will do more harm than good. 

It's called toxic positivity.

However, the approach a person takes to life, the way they choose to look at the world, can lead to happiness. I'm not talking about optimism versus pessimism.

If someone chooses to make the effort to live life in a manner that is filled with searching for ways to improve, for ways to heal, for ways to positively affect oneself and others, that can lead to fulfillment and happiness.

Even if the glass is half empty, perhaps making the glass a favorite color is an improvement.

Photo by Aleksi Bakulin

Since rediscovering witchcraft, it has allowed me to adjust my outlook so I can live my life with intention rather than just coasting. The best way I can describe it is that before I began practicing again, I was lost in a fog of mental illness, resigned to embrace the storm hidden inside the fog. Now I feel that I am using witchcraft, and the accompanying philosophy of continual improvement of my life—mental health, home environment, relationships, physical health—my entire outlook has changed.

With the aid of spells, divination, and the new philosophy, I have reached out to grasp my future and work toward what I want. Optimism and hope have replaced cynicism and despair.

The biggest example is the very fact that I sought out therapists to help me work through my trauma.

For a simple recap, I grew up in a home that I did not realize was incredibly abusive, other than the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. This blindness was curated by his gaslighting us into believing that since he didn't hit us, it wasn't abuse. Through therapy, I am continually realizing more and more how deeply wrong and abusive my childhood was.

My mother is one of the four people I'm closest to in all the world—her, my younger sister, her partner, and my husband, who is the person who knows me the very best. I have an incredible mom who, along with the way my sister and I provided a safe haven for each other, was our oasis in the chaos. Their divorce allowed my sister and me to go no-contact with our abuser and keep our close relationship with our mom and the wonderful man she married—the dad we always deserved.

I held on to a comment from a therapist almost a year ago about the possibility of my abuser having a dark personality. I'd watched enough true crime documentaries to be vaguely familiar with the term. I took the initiative to research more deeply what that meant. Unfortunately, through my research and sessions with therapists, I have come to the realization that my abuser exhibited behaviors in line with the dark tetrad personality type. To be clear, this is not a diagnosis; it is an observation of behavior that aligns with known patterns.

The dark triad and dark tetrad are known colloquially as the serial killer personality types, which is terrifying, knowing that one of my parents seems to be a dark tetrad.

• Dark Triad: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy
• Dark Tetrad: narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism

As terrifying as that realization was, the initiative I took in doing the work in figuring this out led to a general familial understanding of who abused my mother, my sister, and me. It led all of us to understand it was never about us. It was about having convenient victims because he's ultimately lazy. As long as he had victims, he was pleased with life. He chose my mother, who was a perfect victim because of her personality and upbringing, to trap in a marriage where he could do what he liked. Then, when they had children, he had more victims. 

The only piece that was ever about us as individuals was the way he tailored the sadistic abuse. Other than that, it had nothing to do with us.

That led to the most important breakthrough I've had. Ever.

It wasn't my fault.

You can be told something over and over until therapists and loved ones are blue in the face, but there is a difference between knowing and understanding. This was finally understanding to my core that it wasn't my fault.

This breakthrough happened because, in my decision to use witchcraft to continually strive to improve my circumstances, I made the effort to do the work outside of therapy sessions to understand my situation and how to heal. In taking the information to therapy, I was able to gain clarification and help in processing.

Seeking ways to improve my life has led to interesting ways to learn new things and new subjects that I don't know about. That's a subject for another time.

Constantly seeking ways to improve one's situation in life, be it money, relationships, career, living situation, or passions, leads directly to fulfillment, which leads to happiness. My relatively recent embrace of witchcraft and the accompanying philosophies has facilitated this change almost entirely on its own.

So, happiness is not a choice, but seeking to consistently improve one's circumstances can lead to a happy, fulfilled life. For me, the path of the witch has made this possible.

Blessed be.